Enthusiasm, Week 4:  Accepting the Responsibility of Influence

Attitudes are contagious, especially from leaders.  If you want the people around you to be positive and joyful, attack your responsibilities with ENTHUSIASM.  Our example is G-d Himself, who draws us toward an enthusiasm for righteousness (Song 1:4).

All of us have experienced the truth of this principle as well as its opposite.  It is obvious that if you act with negativity or stoicism, even if you accomplish your tasks, you will drag everyone down with you and you may even succeed in driving others away from the truth altogether.  If enthusiasm in doing right is the godly attitude to choose, we not only sin when we do not choose it, but we cause others to stumble as well.  If
we are parents, we would be wise to heed Yeshua’s warning in Luke 17:2:

 It would be better for him if a millstone was tied around his neck and he was thrown into the sea, than that he should cause one of these little ones to stumble.

Enthusiasm is associated with light and gladness; lack of enthusiasm is associated with darkness and heaviness.  Which is more productive?  More importantly, which one exhibits the presence of G-d?  When we inspire others to pursue righteousness with enthusiasm, we draw them into the
light and cause them to experience the presence of G-d in their lives.   Prov. 11:30 tells us:

The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life; and he that wins souls is wise.

The angel’s words to the prophet Daniel echo this:

And they that are wise will shine as the brightness of the sky; and they that turn many to righteousness as the stars for ever and ever.  (Dan. 12:3)

Meditate this week on the following scriptures:

Luke 17:2
Prov. 11:30; Dan 12:3
Ezek. 34:2-5

Key Phrase for Week 3

I will draw others after me so that we can run together!  (from Song 1:4)

Project

Each day, find somebody that is facing a job (large or small) that is unpleasant for them.  It can be a child, a sibling, a spouse, a friend, or a co-worker.  Offer to work alongside them and see if you can influence them to joy by your own enthusiasm.  Make a note of what works and what doesn’t.

The Mussar for Kids project (see below), is a kid’s version of this same idea, so be sure your
younger kids know that you are doing it too.

Mussar for Kids

Make this one a family project.  Challenge everyone to notice when someone else in the family is faced with a task that they don’t normally enjoy.  Tell the children that they get a point for each time they can help make the job more enjoyable for that person by cheerfully offering to help and then joining in the work with enthusiasm.   Decide on rewards they can earn at the end of the week with certain numbers of points.

Parents please NOTE!  This relates to the project for the adults and older kids too.  If you want your children to learn this habit of encouragement, be the first one to model it.  Instead of lecturing your kids about responsibility and then going off to do your own thing while they tackle the jobs they dread, join in enthusiastically to help.  Make it fun.  Wake them up in the morning displaying a cheerful attitude and a sunny disposition, even if you are feeling the opposite.  Make a game out of clearing the table or taking care of the laundry.   This kind of effort from you will make a huge difference in their desire to do the same thing for each other (and for you!)   If you really want to model this in a concrete way, join in with the above project, making a chart for yourself too.  Keeping a chart is sometimes a good way to make sure you are really changing, and not just fooling yourself.  See how many times a day you can influence your kids or your spouse toward godly enthusiasm WITHOUT LECTURING.

Here is a cute short story about influencing others with our cheerful behavior:

http://freestoriesforkids.com/children/stories-and-tales/cheerful-charlie

Journal Starters

This week, pay attention to how your attitude of either enthusiasm or negativity affects the productivity and spiritual health of those around you.  Make a note of the areas where your enthusiasm (or lack of it) seems to influence others the most either toward or away from enthusiastic behavior.  At the end of the week, take stock of what you need to change in order to be a blessing and not a stumbling block to those within your circle of influence.

Enthusiasm, Week 3:  It’s Not About Me

G-d’s people often have the unfortunate habit of viewing their relationship to G-d as somehow separate from their relationships with other humans.  Over and over, the scriptures tell us that such a division is impossible.  Our relationships with others always reflect the true status of our relationship with G-d.  The two are inseparable.

As we pursue wholeheartedness and joy in our service of G-d, it is inevitable that this will impact the way we interact with others.  An example of how this works is seen in the story of Abraham.  In Genesis 18:1-7, we read the story of Abraham’s three visitors.  One thing that is striking about the story is how many times the words “ran,” “hurried,” and “quickly” are used in reference to Abraham’s serving of his visitors.  Another prominent example of this same kind of behavior is Rebecca.  Genesis 24:17-20 tells us repeatedly that Rebecca “ran” and “hurried” to take care of the needs of Eliezar and his camels.  Since we know that the Torah does not waste words, we should find it intriguing that this concept is repeated so many times in these two stories.

Much of the time, the concept in the Tanach of “running” in order to do something refers to the action of doing something for someone else–either obeying the command of a superior or doing voluntary service for another person.  The concept of enthusiasm is, at it’s very heart, an un-self-centered attitude.  It looks outward.

What does it mean to be a servant of G-d? One very important aspect is the habit of whole-hearted and enthusiastic service of others.

Enthusiasm is about attitude as well as action.  The attitude with which we serve others will either lift them up or tear them down.  It isn’t enough to do for others out of duty but with no delight.   In Neh. 8:10, the people were instructed to enjoy the festival of Yom Teruah (Rosh Hashana), providing for the poor among them with joy.  The reason?  The “joy of the L-rd” brings strength to the community.

In serving one another with joy, we encourage and strengthen each other.  It is joy that creates strength, while the implication is that sadness and negativity creates weakness and vulnerability.  Want to make your home STRONG in the things of G-d?  Cultivate joy and enthusiasm in serving one another!

If we are serious about wholehearted service of G-d, then enthusiastic serving of others is something we must cultivate.  Either we are His enthusiastic and wholehearted servants…or we are not.  Our behavior toward others will reveal the truth of who and what we are.

With this in mind, meditate on the following scriptures this week:

Gen. 18:1-7
Gen. 24:17-20
Neh. 8:10
Matt. 25:35-40

Key Phrase for Week 3

I choose to pay attention to the needs around me and meet them as quickly and cheerfully as I can.

Project

Each day, try to find one person who feels overwhelmed by a need that he or she has.  Choose to serve him (or her) with enthusiasm in a way that will lift his spirits and re-energize him.  Learn from how he responds and see if you can serve someone more successfully the next day.

Mussar for Kids

Have the kids keep count each day to see how many times they notice when somebody needs help and they RUN to meet the need.  It only
counts if they do it quickly,  cheerfully, and with as much excellence as they can (no half-hearted or token efforts!)  Make sure to help them record their numbers and count them up each evening.  Each morning, remind them of the project and of the reward you’ve planned for the end of the week so that they will be looking for opportunities to practice what they’ve learned.

At the end of the week, average the daily numbers (this is a good opportunity to teach them the mathematical principle of averages!)  Decide on a fun reward for each level of achievement.  For example, an average of 3 times gets an ice cream cone with one scoop; 4 times gets two scoops; 5 times gets two scoops plus sprinkles….you get the idea.

Journal Starters

How often do physical symptoms of fatigue, etc., at least partially stem from a habitual lack of enthusiasm?  How does this lack of enthusiasm affect the energy level of those around me?  To what extent can our own physical well-being, as well as the physical well-being of those around us, be improved by a choice to pursue godly enthusiasm as a way of life?

See if  you can answer these questions this week by attempting to notice any cause and effect.  Note each day how choosing (or not choosing) enthusiasm affects your energy level and also how it affects the energy level of people you spend your time with.

Enthusiasm, Week 2:  Identifying Attitudes

A lack of enthusiasm in the way of righteousness can reveal attitudes of pride and rebellion.  We want our own way.  We pout when we don’t get it.  Letting go of our disappointments and preferences and embracing G-d’s way requires us to let go of our excuses, our self-righteous reasoning, and our treasured desires.  It requires an alignment with the will of G-d as our own–the true definition of servanthood.  Can I be a servant of G-d without enthusiasm?  Not really.

The concept of “running” toward something indicates a whole-heartedness.  If loving G-d means obeying His commandments, then loving Him with all my heart means RUNNING in the way of His commandments.   If I am not enthusiastic about something, I am not whole-hearted about it.   It isn’t enough to give a grudging assent to the will of G-d!  As we saw last week, embracing G-d’s will means delighting in it. 

In Deut. 28:47, 48, Moses warned the people that G-d expects this kind of enthusiastic obedience from His people:

Because you did not serve the LORD your God with joyfulness, and with gladness of heart, because of the abundance of all things:  therefore you will serve your enemies which the LORD shall send against you…
      

So what does whole-heartedness look like– in practical terms?  The writer of Proverbs describes it by telling us to observe the behavior of a common ant.

Go to the ant, you lazy one; consider her ways, and be wise:   Even without a chief, overseer, or ruler, she prepares her bread in the summer, and gathers her food in the harvest.  (Prov. 6:6-8)
      

The ant is the picture of enthusiasm.   She is self-directed.  She is not driven by circumstances, others’ expectations, or fear of shame.  Her motivation is positive, not negative; internal, not external.  She makes the most of every opportunity to meet her goals–she is not a procrastinator.  She has a habit of advance preparation–she doesn’t wait until the need is there.  She anticipates.  As a result, she always has what she needs.  She accepts the situation as her challenge and takes full advantage of it.  She doesn’t waste time complaining about what she doesn’t have.

So what is there to do if we find that our attitude doesn’t even measure up to a tiny ant?  Common wisdom tells us that humans learn habits and character by means of practice.  For example, we teach a child to be polite by requiring him to say “please” and “thank you,” whether he feels polite or not.  Eventually, the habit of behaving in a way that respects others builds a perspective of respect as well.  In the classic Mussar work, The Path of the Just, Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto had this to say:

The man whose soul burns in the service of his Creator will surely not idle in the performance of His mitzvot, but his movements will be like the quick movements of a fire; he will not rest or be still until the deed has been completed. Furthermore, just as zeal [zerizut] can result from an inner burning so can it create one. That is, one who perceives a quickening of his outer movements in the performance of a mitzvah conditions himself to experience a flaming inner movement, through which longing and desire will continually grow. If, however, he is sluggish in the movement of his limbs, the movement of his spirit will die down and be extinguished. Experience testifies to this.
       

This week, make it your goal to be whole-hearted and energetic in tackling the tasks that you know are G-d’s will for you.  Honestly evaluate your attitudes to see if your ability to embrace the will of G-d is hindered by pride, rebellion, or laziness.  Make choices to behave in ways that directly contradict any ungodly attitudes you may find.

Study and meditate on the following scriptures this week: 

Prov. 6:6-8
Deut. 28:47, 48
1Co 9:24
Ps. 40:8  

Key Phrase for Week 2

Serve the L-rd your G-d joyfully and with gladness of heart! (Deut. 28:47) 

Project 

Determine one area or responsibility that you habitually struggle to fulfill whole-heartedly.  Choose to approach this responsibility during the week with whole-hearted action.  First, define for yourself what whole-hearted action would look like, so that you will know each day whether you achieved it or not.  Observe your internal attitudes and see if positive action changes them.

Mussar for Kids 

Young children learn the principles of enthusiastic obedience by practicing right responses to the expectations of their parents.  However, positive encouragement is always more effective than negative motivation.  With this in mind, try the following project:

Make a chart for each child for the week, with one square for each day.  Tell them that life is a lot more fun if we choose to be enthusiastic every morning.  Every morning that they get up cheerfully and immediately tackle their morning chores, they get a smiley face in the square for that day (kids will probably like it best if they can use smiley face stickers).  Every morning that they get up grumpy or stall on their morning work, they get nothing.  Decide on something fun that you will do with them at the end of the week if they can achieve a certain (predetermined) number of cheerful and enthusiastic mornings.  If they can’t make the goal the first week, give them a second try.

Journal Starters

At the end of each day, think back and identify any moments when you lacked enthusiasm for doing what was right and then try to pinpoint the self-centered attitudes feeding your inner resistance.  Make these attitudes part of your prayer focus to help you strategize ways to combat them.  At the end of the week, see if you notice a pattern that will help  identify a root problem you need to address.

Enthusiasm, Week 1:  Building Godly Habit Patterns

(See Mussar Mechanics  for ideas and strategies in using this material in a family setting.)

It is easy to see why the trait of enthusiasm, properly directed, is a positive one to cultivate.  Enthusiasm not only makes everything in life more palatable, it inspires and motivates us to do more, do better, and try harder.  The English word “enthusiasm” means “with G-d” and originally referred to being influenced by divine inspiration or presence.  This actually captures the idea of what we are aiming for very well.  Godly enthusiasm is an attitude of energy and delight in doing what is right–an attitude that comes from walking in the presence of G-d.  

According to Alan Morinis (Everyday Holiness, p. 310), some see a connection between “enthusiasm” (zerizut in Hebrew) and the Hebrew words for “will” (ratzon) and “run” (rutz).  Ratzon (will) comes from a root meaning  “to approve with delight .”  In Ps. 40:8, it says “I delight to do Your will, O my God; yes, Your law is within my heart.”  Delight in the will of G-d means that we embrace what delights the heart of G-d.  Delight naturally draws us, and we run to it (that’s where rutz comes in).  When we delight in the things that delight G-d, the result is a wholeheartedness and joy in carrying out His will.  This is godly enthusiasm.  

Enthusiasm as a product of delight is the antithesis of stoic determination, which allows for no joy.   The Mussar teacher Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe wrote that a mitzvah undertaken without enthusiasm is already defiled.  Why?  Because it reveals a divided heart.  If I take no delight in the will of G-d, my lack of enthusiasm reveals a root of pride, self-will and rebellion.  If left to grow unhindered, such a root will destroy not only me, but others as well. 

As true servants of G-d, let’s pursue righteousness with enthusiasm! 

Building Godly Habit Patterns

So how do we develop godly enthusiasm and address those elusive negative attitudes hidden in the recesses of our hearts?  In Ps. 119:32, it says, “I shall run [rutz] in the way of Your commandments, for You will enlarge my heart.”  It appears that the Psalmist is discussing an attitude of godly enthusiasm, but what does it mean that G-d will “enlarge my heart”?   According to the Artscroll commentary on the Tehillim, this is a Hebrew idiom meaning something like “You will enlarge my capacity.”  In other words, as I choose to obey one commandment with enthusiasm, G-d will increase the capacity of my heart to embrace another commandment the same way, and another….and another. 

This week as you study and meditate through the scriptures, you will encounter the word rutz (to run), as well as its Greek equivalent.  Think about how “running” relates to the way you respond to G-d’s will for you in each moment and how it naturally flows from an attitude of enthusiasm.  Notice that running implies speed, direction, and purpose.  It means not only that something is being pursued, but also that other things are being left behind.  What it is it that you are commanded to pursue?  What does G-d intend for you to leave behind?  How well are you running? 

With this in mind, study and meditate on the following scriptures this week: 

Ps. 119:32, 60
Is. 40:31;
Ps. 18:29
Heb. 12:1-17 

Key Phrase for Week 1 

I shall run in the way of Your commandments, for You will enlarge my heart (Ps. 119:32)

Project 

Each day, define one responsibility you have that day that you would normally dislike or even dread.  If you don’t have a responsibility that odious, then just pick your least favorite or the one that most often frustrates, discourages, or irritates you.  First, make sure it is a G-d-given responsibility.  If it is, determine what the desired outcome is and why it is important.  Then choose to attack the job with energy and an eager anticipation of accomplishing the goal.  Complaining, grousing, or negativity is not allowed, and smiling, singing, joking, or some other expression of enjoyment is required (if you have to fake it, it had better be convincing).  Aim for delight!

Mussar for Kids 

At least one day during the week, make a list of chores that need to be done.  Have each child choose one, or pair up two children on each job.  Hold a contest to see who can finish the most quickly and have the most fun while accomplishing the goal.  Be sure to clearly define ahead of time what a “good job” would consist of.  Encourage creativity and joy, but it doesn’t count if the chore isn’t done adequately when they are finished and they aren’t allowed to let their fun make a bigger mess than they are cleaning up.    Plan a reward for everyone who joins in as enthusiastically as they can AND does a good job. 

Journal Starters

What keeps me from enthusiasm as a lifestyle choice?  What creates weariness and discouragement?  Here are some obstacles to enthusiasm (note that each of these is descriptive of a habit pattern):

1. Laziness
2. Fear (of failure, of bad circumstances, of loss, etc) can create distractions and a tendency toward depression, avoidance and/or disengagement.
3. Poor choices or undisciplined habits (late nights, disorder, lack of planning, impulsiveness, over-commitment, lack of gratitude, self-centeredness, martyr complex, etc.)

Note each day which obstacles you encounter and see if you can determine the source.  Make those things part of your prayer focus.  At the end of the week, see if there are any obvious patterns that will help you identify choices you can make to minimize these obstacles in the future.

Homemade Hanukkiah Ideas

Judaica stores are full of creative and original hanukkah menorahs, but for a kid, nothing compares to the delight of using a hanukkiah that you made yourself.  Here are some ideas for menorahs you can make with your kids: 

1. Make an edible menora — At the beginning of the holiday, make a hanukkiah you can eat!  Use graham crackers for the base, miniature kosher marshmallows stacked on toothpicks for “candles,” and small slivers of dried apricots for “flames.”  Use a mixture of peanut butter and honey as “glue” to fasten your creation together and decorate it with chocolate chips, kosher jelly beans, M&M’s, or colorful dried fruit.  Each night, eat one “candle,” finishing up the holiday by eating base and all.
2. Make a polymer clay (Sculpey) menora – Create animals for a Noah’s Ark, flowers in a “flower garden” or whatever shapes/themes look appealing.  Check out some craft clay design books for ideas.  Bake your creations to harden them and coat with a glaze to make wax removal easier (available with the polymer clay supplies at the craft store).  Glue your clay sculptures to a painted or stained wood base or use a rolling pin to create a flat and level clay base.  To hold the candles, purchase candle cups from the craft store or online* or use appropriately sized hex nuts from the hardware store.  Attach your candle holders to the base with contact adhesive or epoxy. To keep the base from sliding around on the table, attach peel and stick rubber dots to the bottom after the clay is baked.  For some different examples of clay menorahs and detailed instructions on making a Kotel clay hanukkiah, check out this article in the Torah Family Hanukkah issue:  http://torahfamily.net/magazines/4/crafts.pdf    Please exercise caution when using a homemade menorah.  Do not leave it burning unattended and blow it out before it burns all the way down.
3. Make a dreidel menorah – Buy inexpensive wooden dreidels, remove the top handles and screw or glue metal candle cups on top of each one to simulate a handle  (purchase at a craft store or order online).  Alternatively, you can glue several hex nuts in a stack to use as candle cup substitutes.  Buy one larger dreidel for the shamash in the center.  Glue the dreidels to a painted or stained wood base.  To make them more stable and secure, drill a large indent where the point of each dreidel should sit before gluing.  Don’t forget the rubber feet on the base (see #2).   Again, please exercise caution when using a homemade menorah.
4. Make a felt menora – if you have children too young to safely light a real menorah, create a felt one for them.   Take a large piece of felt and sew a narrow pocket at one end to hold a dowel.  Out of a contrasting color of felt fabric, cut a menorah shape (you can trace it from a picture or a real menorah) and glue it to the large felt piece.  Cut 9 narrow strips of contrasting felt and glue them at the top of the menorah for “candles.”  Cut 9 “flames” out of yellow or gold felt, but don’t glue them on–instead, store them in a ziploc bag or a felt pocket glued to the front or back of the banner. If you want, you can decorate the banner and/or the menorah with fabric paints or other decorations that your child will find appealing.  Finally, tie a long piece of yarn or ribbon to the dowel and hang the banner on a wall where your child can reach it.  During the holiday, let him light his menorah by adding a new felt flame to the menorah each night.  Instruct him to press firmly when “lighting” so that the flame will stick.  Hint:  If you are having a hard time getting glue to hold the felt pieces together, it usually works to weight the glued pieces with something flat and heavy for an hour or so while drying to help the glue penetrate the fabric better. 
   
5. Create an outdoor tiki torch menorah – Tradition says that it is a mitzvah to advertise the miracle by making the menorah as visible as possible.  With that idea in mind, make a really big hanukkiah that sits on your front lawn without creating a fire hazard by using 9 ordinary tiki torches.  You can create a traditional menorah shape by using a larger mounting bracket or a larger torch for the shamash in the center.  Make double use of your torches by saving them for next year’s Sukkot celebration! 

*Sources for menorah candle cups–If you can’t find what you need at your local craft or hardware store, here are some online suppliers:
Weiss Judaica
Zion Judaica

Mussar Mechanics

The Torah Family Mussar Project is an attempt to bring the classical practice of Mussar (planned character growth) into the family arena.  Our project will feature one character trait each month (four weeks) with weekly materials and a suggested weekly focus.  Below are ideas on how to use these materials in both an individual and a family setting. 

Mussar practice emphasizes specific time-related assignments.  The model described here is adapted from the classical Mussar approach, and is not only simple, but can take as little as 20-30 minutes a day, divided between morning and evening. *

Important note:  Sometimes it is difficult for families (or even individuals) to accomplish anything this structured, particularly on a daily basis.  Don’t let that put you off.  Mussar is a very adaptable thing, and any attempt to improve our character is good, whether we manage to make those attempts routine or not.  If the following ideas overwhelm you, start small–maybe do something related to Mussar once a week.  Do a project with your kids, have a family discussion, read some scriptures.  Even baby steps can accomplish something.

1.  Key Phrase

This is a short and simple action phrase or sentence that captures the essence of what you are choosing to emphasize for this week.  Your Key Phrase can come from scripture, a wise teacher, or might just be a short sentence summarizing what you want to remember.  In the Torah Family Mussar Project, each week’s materials will suggest a Key Phrase, but feel free to come up with your own. 

a.  Parents and older kids:  Spend a few minutes each morning reviewing your Key Phrase, not only repeating it to yourself, but thinking through what it means and specific ways you can apply it today, especially as it relates to your daily Project (see below).

b.  Key Phrase for Families — Pick an idea (or two)

• Post it on the refrigerator so everyone will review it frequently.
• If you know how, create a new desktop background for the family computer that highlights your Key Phrase. 
• Write it on a Post-It note and put it on your bathroom or bedroom mirror, your computer monitor, your car dashboard, the inside of the front door, or anywhere else it will be noticed.  Move it every day and see who finds it first. 
• Put it to music and teach the song to your kids (expand the phrase into real song lyrics!) 
• Have your kids make a poster with the Key Phrase in the center, then have them decorate it with artwork and post it on your homeschool bulletin board. 
• If it has any words in it that your younger kids don’t know, teach them the phonics rules that apply, then have them read it to you every morning and tell you what it means.
• At a family meal at the end of the week (Erev Shabbat, maybe), ask everyone to give an example of how they applied the principles of the Key Phrase to something they experienced during the week.

2. Meditation and Scripture Reading — set aside 10-15 min each morning for this

a.  Meditation:  Every morning, review what you have already learned this week and compare it to your experiences, thoughts, and feelings in the last 24 hours.  Don’t hurry through this step.

b.  Scripture Reading:  Read, study, and meditate on short passages that relate to what you are practicing this week.  The Torah Family Mussar Project will have suggested verses each week for this.

c.  Scripture for Families:  Pick one or two verses from the scripture readings and memorize them with your kids.  After practicing the scripture memory each morning, take one phrase or idea from the memory verse to discuss with your kids.

3.  Prayer

a.  For Parents and Older Kids:  Take what you learned in your meditation and study and turn it into a prayer.  Talk to G-d about it…passionately.  Discuss your Key Phrase with Him, turning each word and idea over and over in your mind and asking Him to imprint its principles on your heart.  Expect G-d to meet with you.  You can spend 5 minutes or an hour.  The point is to allow yourself enough time to truly take hold of Him and communicate….Face to Face.  Through the rest of the day, continue to discuss these ideas with Him as you encounter related things that remind you, puzzle you, or trouble you.  To read more on experiencing this kind of prayer, see Digging Deeper:  Wrestling With G-d, Part 2.

b.  Prayer for Families:  Discuss with your kids what needs to change in your family the most in regard to the trait you are currently studying.  Let them express what they see.**  Each day, pick one thing to ask G-d to do in your family that day and pray together.  At the end of the day, discuss whether or not progress was made.  If not, see if the kids can figure out why it didn’t happen and what everyone needs to do better next time.  The key here is to let the kids analyze it and express what they see (this is not the time for you to lecture them on how they failed).  Your role is to provide guidance not pushing force–the steering wheel, not the engine. Then pray some more!

4.  Project — The Torah Family Mussar Project will have suggested projects for each week, plus suggested projects on a kid-level. 

a.  Parents and Older Kids:  Each day, carry out the specific project you have set for yourself.  This is a project that relates to the trait you are emphasizing this week, as well as the focus you have chosen in your Key Phrase.   The projects may seem to reduce righteousness to a formula or a to-do list, but remember that Mussar is about building patterns and habits.  Sometimes you have to map it out for yourself.

b.  Projects for Kids:  Often the kid-level projects will suggest a concrete reward for the kids who achieve something specific.  This may seem a bit mercenary, but don’t discard the idea too quickly–talk to your kids about it.  It’s not a bad thing for kids  to experience a concrete correlation between doing what is right and receiving a reward.  Try to encourage the fun of competing against themselves but discourage the nastiness of one-up-manship by avoiding rewards that might create envy and jealousy between them.  Note that these projects are mostly for young children.  Your 14-year-old will likely feel insulted if you include him in these assignments! 

5.  Journaling and/or Study Partners

a.  Parents and Older Kids: 

           Journaling:  Each day (usually in the evening), make some notes (as brief or detailed as you like) observing your behavior and attitudes related to the trait you are emphasizing this week.  This can be comments on how your project went, or observations about yourself as it relates to the trait for the week.  Anything that will help you note both your progress and your weak areas.  This shouldn’t take more than a few minutes (less than 5).  Use whatever medium is most comfortable and convenient for you: a notepad by your bed, a bound journal, or a computer program such as Microsoft OneNote.  Whatever you choose, make it convenient enough that you will be consistent.

          Study Partners:  Find one or more partners with whom you can meet to discuss your respective experiences with Mussar practice.  It works best if partners are studying the same thing at the same time.   If you find journaling an impossibility, a study partner can help you track your progress instead.  Plan to meet in person or by phone on a regular basis, or make regular use of email.  Communicating via email can accomplish the same thing as journaling, as it will give you a written record of your experience and progress with the added element of feedback.

 b.  Journaling for Families: 

At the end of each week, have a family meeting and discuss your Mussar practice for that week.  What went well and what didn’t?  How could everyone work together to make it more successful?  Write it down (and review that part next week!).  Also, recount any interesting or funny stories of your family’s experiences this week in reference to the trait you worked on.  Plan some “anniversary” days to read the family journal and remember.

  6.  Weekly reading or in-depth studying (anytime)

a.  Parents and Older Kids:  The Torah Family Mussar Project will have short introductory articles each week as well as occasional recommended reading on the internet. Set aside time early in the week for this if you can, or do your reading for the new week’s focus on the Shabbat just before the week begins.  This way, the things you read will have time to sink in and start to change your thinking, helping immensely in your daily study and prayer.    If you have the time, research the trait you are studying on the internet or in the library. 

b.  Mussar Reading for Families:  It is difficult to find good materials for children on many of the traits we will be studying.  When we know of appropriate materials, we will list internet links and/or book titles.   Please feel free to suggest any good ones that you are familiar with.  Sometimes we will be able to post stories on Torah Family that you can use to read to your children.

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*The practices listed here for Parents and Older Kids are intended to be voluntarily undertaken by each individual.  If your older children have no interest in actively participating in a Family Mussar project, all is not lost, however.  They will benefit and learn from the character changes they see in their parents.  For more on this topic, please see Family Mussar:  Leading, not Pushing.

 **It is important for parents to respond positively and humbly to their children’s efforts to participate honestly in this kind of discussion (no matter how clumsy or imperfect their efforts might be).  Parents who respond angrily or pridefully, reading their children’s efforts as “disrespect,” will very likely produce more resentment and bitterness than learning in their children.